First post of 2013. Still struggling with the same old crap, just different aspects of it. Like when your dog throws up or poops on the floor. Initially you’re like, “What the hell!” Then, you scream at the dog, and then comes the time you realize you have to clean it up because you know he’s not going to do it for you. So, using this analogy, I’m past the “What the hell!” part, I’ve screamed, been cleaning up the mess, and now I’m dealing with the smell…the lingering reminder that something awful happened, and every time you go into the room, it’s there to welcome you. Of course, the sense of smell is the most powerful in reminding us of past experiences, able to awaken feelings and memories that have been dormant or forgotten for years. And when I walk into the room, and smell the smell of…well…not dog crap, but of happy memories and moments from the past, I experience the heartbreak all over again.
Now I’m working on rediscovering myself, recreating myself, a self that isn’t molded to the expectations of other people, but to who and what I really am. I’ve never been one for making resolutions, but I’ve set a goal for myself to write something in a journal every day this year. So far I’ve succeeded. I’m thinking about posting what I write to this blog, or maybe start another one. Not sure yet.
Another thing that’s been bugging me lately is loneliness. I’m not really an overly social person, and I’m quite content with myself most of the time. But as I’m going through this process, it would be nice to have some…er…friends (?)…to bounce things off of, and to share milestones with. Now, don’t go thinking I”m getting all fluffy and flowery or anything, and I’m definitely not looking for a hug…. I don’t want to join a group…coven…grove…den…whatever. But it would be a most welcome thing to be able to say, “Hey, I am going to try such-and-such tonight, what do you think?” or “Do you have any experience with it?” etc…blah blah…
Lastly, I’m thoroughly enjoying the book “Nocturnal Witchcraft” by Konstantinos. Although it leans slightly in the direction of Wicca, I’m finding it very informative and enlightening (as much as a book about nocturnal things can be). Some say it’s just a Wicca 101 book, but I don’t see that at all. I don’t consider myself Wiccan, nor am I heading in that direction. Other’s say that the book has a “gothier than thou” tone, but I suspect the people who express that view are fluffy bunnies anyway. Not that there’s anything wrong with being fluffy, or a bunny…I like both. I’m just not one. No, really, I do like people who aren’t just like me…imagine that!
Ok, another thing (really the last thing this time) is that I’ve decided to not hold back as much when I write. My goal isn’t to offend anyone, but rather to find and attract people who are like me, and who can understand my perspective on things as I try to figure everything out.
So, there it is, the first post of 2013. I really REALLY do like getting comments and all that, so please let me know someone is out there reading this, so I don’t just throw it all in the virtual dumpster.